Scared

 No worries, no worries, nothing bad has happened - but while this might look like a hockey post at first, it is more of a feelings post (again). But not a nice essay, more just thoughts thrown around.



I am scared of disappointment... At first I didn't want to write about it here, because if I do get disappointed - and at the moment it feels very much like that - I don't want to have been all excited about it. For some reason I feel like this might make me appear naïve, like this would leave me open for mockery. I feel like I might look stupid afterwards.

But then I realized that I promised to be honest about everything (to myself at least, I don't think I wrote that out) and this is also part of my exchange year.

Remember when I wrote a couple of weeks ago (read: 1.5 or so, I don't remember exactly) that there were two things I was super excited about?
Well, those two things were both in regards to the article I am writing for Censor This!, which I had initially thought would be about the Kelowna Rockets, but turns out to be about the teacher who is the liaison - in part because there was a misunderstanding between Mr M and me about how I should get the information from Chartier (I had thought I was just supposed to get the information, he had thought I would get verbatim [wörtliche] quotes, but he had never said so...).

So part one of the excitement was the game last Thursday.
Part two is the part which has the potential of so much disappointment.
Tomorrow after school, Andy will pick me up and drop me off at Prospera Place, the ice rink, and I will watch the Rockets practice. Of course, this made me super excited, although I'm having a hard time seeing why now.

It is probably just the chance of seeing the boys, some of whom are going to go on to become Super Stars in the NHL, to become celebrities, in their 'natural environment' (and yes, for some hockey players it seems that the ice is much more their habitat than the ground).
And while I have tried not to get any expectations, because no matter what I imagine, it will be different, I can't help but envision the many ways things could go wrong.

I am, after all, not really a professional, just pretending, and those boys? They aren't professionals yet, either. So I don't know how they're gonna behave, and as much as I hate that, I do care about what people think of me. Especially people I admire.

So I am scared of somehow embarrassing myself, of the players for some reason mocking me - and I don't think I could stand that, because I am kind of looking up to hockey players at the moment. I admire what they do, what they get to do (play the game they love everyday), and it was hard enough to incorporate the idea that they are just as human and fallible as you and me (something that took me with past 'idols', aka my dancing teachers and teachers in general, ages) into that admiration picture, but that disappointment could be a really hard blow to my confidence.

And the fact that I don't know how to behave, that I don't have any guidelines for what to do and the possibility of me being there on my own, because the teacher who orchestrated it might not be there, adds up to a pretty scary picture.

There is a reason why I hate being thrown into surprise situations, why I dislike new situations.
And Mr Derksen can say what he wants that I have relaxed in stress situations, but this situation is shaping up to be pretty stressful... I am calming myself with thoughts of just being myself, of appearing calm and collected and just not excited, but there's only so much I can do. Especially since the Rockets are kind of a big deal around town, and as I mentioned above, there is this picture of the guys whose achievements you read about in the paper, whom you watch on the ice in front of thousands (literally, every night between 5 and 6 thousand people come to watch), of whom two will (probably) sign with the big clubs (one is currently ranked 22nd out of all the young players, which means first rounder, which is pretty good), this picture is clashing with the notion that they are just a couple of years older than me (Chartier is only 385 days older than me - 1 year 20 days exactly), going to KSS and actual human beings.

And that I stress human beings might sound weird, but my idols are more often than not only an image, nothing real, tangible, but something you admire from afar.

So, yeah... Going into this post I was pretty confused, but I think that has settled now.
Writing does so much for me and my psyche, I can't even believe it...

So yeah, otherwise nothing really has happened... I didn't do my homework (again, although I might do it now that I can think straight again), the Blackhawks pushed their no-regulation-loss-streak to 15 and are now tied for second for longest start in the NHL season with the Edmonton Oilers (1986-87) and within one of tying the league record, set by the Anaheim Ducks in 2006-07 with 16 straight games and no loss...
Maybe they can manage to tie that in their next game, but since it is against Vancouver, I'm trying not to get my hopes up - Vancouver beat them in a shoot-out last game and just got back one of their best players from an injury, so they're going to be tough!

And that's it, see you again tomorrow with information of how my day went!