|How I'm feeling about having emotions.|
No, but they're not even of the nice kind, like happiness, or exhilaration, but the mean kind.
Jealousy and doubt.
I hate that.
I just saw today the results from the Bavarian Championship in Latin.
And this... dancing is the only thing I had to actually give up in order to do my exchange year.
And I can admit that I am a bit jealous of all my friends back there who get to dance and compete. Not that I'm not glad for them, especially for my ex-dancing partner's new partner (I hadn't even known they had mixed the couples up again), because all of them really deserve it.
But there is this niggling voice at the back of my head, saying That could have been you. And no, I don't know whether that would have been me, no matter if I had indeed stayed, because I can't say with good conscience that my partner at the time and I got along, but just the possibility... I don't know for sure whether it's jealousy, because at the moment it feels like there's a hand around my heart, squeezing slowly, while there is a big hole in my chest sucking away everything. I feel empty. That, I think, is doubt.
Doubt is something very dangerous. I detailed my reasons (I think; I'm not sure whether it came across as intended) for not doubting myself for a second, and now that's exactly what I'm doing.
I know that the exchange year was the right decision, no matter from what angle you look at it. If I just think about what I've learnt, how many new people I've gotten to know, how much I've experiences already, I do realize that it more than weighs up for a stupid title.
But dancing was one of those things I (believe I) was pretty good at, especially considering how much time I put into it. And now I've given that up.
It was something that defined me, that I used to define myself, for the longest of times, and now I ripped it away, and seeing the success other people have at it is like poking at the wound left behind, again and again, reminding me that yes, I had to make a sacrifice, no matter how small it may seem to other people, how superficial. I took an integral part of myself away, something I have done since I was 5 years old, and nobody can tell me that that doesn't have an impact. And just because I am good at denial or dealing with the situation (I think it might be the former, because I haven't even been missing dancing so far) doesn't mean the impact isn't there.
And especially with the weird dreams I have lately, does it surprise anybody that it rattles me?
Add to that the high expectations I have of myself and the promise of a lot of work for school, isn't it inevitable that I start questioning myself again?
So yeah, I'm really not happy at the moment.
I'm hoping, though, that Maths tomorrow will cheer me up.
Might sound weird to most people, but the logic, the moment when it just clicks, that is something insanely rewarding (plus the reason why I liked Latin).
I just have to do one thing: Stay on top of my classes and not let myself get sucked into not doing anything, because then I will start to panic, and that's not something I need...
So, I'm sorry for the feelings post, but aside from that nothing happened today,
so good night!
(I don't know whether I posted this the last time, but has anybody else noticed that dancing seems to be what elicits the most emotions from me? I mean, now they're mostly bad, so it's obvious, but dancing, I think, has always been the cause for my strongest emotions. Unfortunately, they were mostly bad then, too... It got better once we started going to Ritmo, though. But considering that from about 2010 to beginning of 2012 dancing practically was my life I don't think it's too surprising...)