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Montag, 26. November 2012

Girl without a home

I don't know...
Everybody: Please stay calm and read this post and I'm sure I can manage, it is no reason for me to abandon my ship here.

That said:
I'm feeling kinda homeless. I think it's a good thing - okay, let me explain what I mean.

I feel like I'm not German anymore. I mean, I haven't felt more German that here, not ever before, but I can't identify solely with the mentality from back home. I feel like back home I was small and dependent and childish and immature and narrow-minded, and I feel like I'm not anymore.
But I also don't feel Canadian, which would be the obvious other choice.
I don't feel like I fully belong here.

I always hoped that I would gain a second "home" with my exchange, but at the moment it feels like I lost my original one.

Okay, so now that I have got this out of my system, I can analyze it:
I guess, this is on the one hand a perfectly natural step to feel so unearthed, because it is a big change, and I've never done such a thing before and I'm honestly a bit surprised how well I've adapted. I thought I would have far more crippling homesickness than I've had so far.
The other thing it might be chalked up to is my emotional high.
I wasn't at school today (I was sick, stomach flu apparently, but at least I got off with a bit of nausea and nothing more, so I consider myself lucky), and now especially in the evening it was very care-free and funny. Okay, there might have been a bit of teasing and (at least what I thought was) good-natured banter, so it ended in tears (interspersed with laughter, though), but I was in a really good mood. And unfortunately, I crashed afterwards.

So, and that's it with my self psycho-analyzing. Enough of that stuff. Feel free to drop me a line, as long as it's nothing saying things like "Maybe you should really go home" or "You're just exaggerating", because that's not something I need to hear right now.

And as I still have to do my English essay (I have to hand it in on Wednesday, probably, but still), I'm signing out with this.

Sorry about the feels!


P.S.: Just in case anybody is interested: I also paid the $100 deposit for my San Francisco trip! Yay, I'm so looing forward to it, although it's still more than 150 days away! :(


  1. ... das geht bestimmt wieder vorüber - und ich sag nur "Integrationskurs" 2013! ♥

  2. just wanted to tell you that i've been reading your blog for a couple months now and i just love it! :)

    oh and i can totally relate to everything you say about not feeling german any more but not canadian either...

  3. Terra incognita (inside)- without a name yet - caused by terra incognita outside :-)
    You'll have that named and integrated later :-)


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